A Lesson Before School Starts

Who said learning needs to wait until school actually starts?

This week has been rough, but I needed to learn some things before the school semester began. I went to bed on Monday night a happy man, all was right with the world, and then woke up Tuesday morning with one of the worst attitudes I've had in some time. The Lord had some lessons in store for me, but I couldn't tell what they were when I woke up. I have to admit I was angry because I thought everything was going well and I couldn't understand why so many things had become so exaggerated in my mind.

I began to stress out about school... about the CLEP test I have to pass, about the DS science class I have to finish, about the winterim economics class, about my 18 units... about where I'd be applying for graduate school, about what geographic region I'd be applying to, about where I'd be living this summer, about where I'd be working... about relationships that have faded over the past several months with friends from last Spring, about relationships this semester that I'm not sure about where they are going, about relationship with girls and where those should be... about my family that I was barely home with... and the list of things to worry about jusy compounded and compounded upon itself inside my brain.

I used to stress o so much, and I knew I didn't want this. But my mind was a path to destruction, and all I could do was cry out to the Lord. I prayed and read the Word. Prayed and read the Word some more. And then prayed for some time. I thought I knew how to fix stress... meditate on Philippians where it says "The Lord is hand: Do not be anxious, but in everything, with prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus our Lord." I've been tempted by anxiety so many times, and that verse was normally so sweet. But I couldn't shake the overwhelming fear that was building up.

I began to get upset as I knew that I was sinning against the Lord by not trusting Him. I cried out to the Lord asking him to change my hard heart. I kept thinking I just needed to not worry, the Lord was trying to teach me to trust Him. But, the Lord had a different lesson in mind. In reading Scripture I eventually was convicted and encouraged reading 2 Peter. 2 Peter 3.13 says "But according to his promise we are waiting for new heavens and a new earth in which righteousness dwells." I could not escape my flesh, but I have the hope of Christ today to help me through my trials AND I have a hope in the knowledge that the Lord will one day return to take me to heaven with Him. There righteousness will dwell! What hope! My Savior will come, and I will go with Him BECAUSE of His death for me. What a blessed day it will be when I will praise my Lord without sin!! Oh, Lord, I can't wait! Where is my focus here? Is it on relationships, on school, or on the Lord? Where is my hope? On earth or in heaven? I realized that I had become far too 'earth-looking' in my life. The Lord so encouraged me with reminders of His love for me and how I will be with Him one day! O the grace that one day I will not seek to love and serve the Lord with temptations to sin begging at me.

I read Romans 8 thinking still that the Lord would encourage me in His sovereignty. But that would not be what would encourage me. As I read the 'sovereignty' verse 8.28, I instead was convicted on something else. I kept reading Romans 8 and instead saw again that nothing can separate me from my Lord's love. Why does school and friends and family and my future cause me so much stress? I have all I ever need in Christ. I have His love! He died for me, and he loves me more than I can ever understand.

It came down to this: Do I desire the Lord's love or do I desire xxx? I could put any of the things I was stressing about in the blank. What do I most desire? A good friend, a good graduate school, an easy school semester, a girlfriend, a better relationship with my family? Who is it that I desire? I desire to know, and love, and worship my Lord Jesus!

This is long... but this was an important thing the Lord humbled me on this week. Conclusion... I love the Lord ever more for His grace to me and his sacrifical, amazing, and unconditional love towards me! I will not give up on my life here, I won't give up my friendships and so on, but I will seek to love my Lord even more, ever more. To God be all glory and praise.